The Afternoon After

I think it's unfortunate that my memories of Trump winning and losing are sparce. But I'll remember today as the last time he can ever win again. In four years, this part is over. His reign was just temporarily drawn out by four years. My roommate texted me this morning, "four years and it's over," and it was comforting.

A coworker asked me before work, "Are you ready for your new president?" I grumbly said that this isn't new. I didn't want to get into it.

I was down this morning and apparently I couldn't hide it because a coworker asked me if I was okay and said I looked sad. I said I was tired because I didn't want to get into it. But it felt good that he cared. People do still care. These coworkers have kept me safe over and over again, and teach me daily. I don't know for sure who they voted for but I love them.

The coworker from the beginning of the day later asked me if I thought my life would change after this day. I didn't want to get into it, but I said, "not really."

The ways I know my life will change are still up to me. There's no doubt in my mind that the moves I make will make the biggest impact on me. It's not a guy in a white mansion.

Then again, I'm not an undocumented person. I think I live above the poverty line. I own property. I'm not trans. I have a loving and supportive family. I have a level of insulative privilege. It’s not top of the line insulation, but it’s nothing to sneeze at.

My worst days of the Trump presidency had nothing to do with politics. They were the days I struggled with depression, the grief of my dog being killed, finally losing the farm, and the stress of relocation.

My best says of the Biden presidency had nothing to do with politics either. Not HIS politics. In local politics, our state voted to protect women's autonomy. I met dozens of new people that have become family to me, people I never want to have far away. I discovered new joys in living and being able to get out of bed because I needed the help of medication. I started a new career and I started living my own life.

I'm still disappointed, wondering if this is a joke, and disgusted in power. Yes, fear still simmers. I shudder thinking about the supreme court.

Despite this, I still believe the people have power. The community I've found since coming out feels strong and powerful and we have each other's backs. For a month, picketers on strike made my commute an absolute pain, but they got what they demanded. I grew up being told the world was ending (rapture, anyone?) and maybe I'm numb to it. I've decided this might not be anything new. The heavy heart I carry is definitely not.

Written the afternoon of the election, sleepily edited days later.